Felo de se
by Kemet
Summary: Chas finds John's suicide letter from his teen years while helping the demonslayer move. No relationship implied...sadly.


NOTE: I made John's floors wood. Keep that in mind since it will help the story go smoother.

Rating/Warnings/Disclaimer: T (just in case)/ No warnings really, just turn back if the mere suggestion of suicide makes you cringe, or you hate it./ I don't own Constatine. (As far as I know, there's not another fanfic like this, but if there is, please tell me, since it is not my intention to copy another author who got this idea before me.)

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**Felo-de-se  
**_**n.pl.**_** Felos-de-se .**

**LL. **_**felo**_**, E. **_**felonde**_** of, concerning + **_**se**_** self.  
**_**(Law)**_** One who deliberately puts an end to his own existence, or loses his life while engaged in the commission of an unlawful or malicious act; a suicide. **_**Burrill.**_

("felo de se." Webster 1913 Dictionary. Patrick J. Cassidy, 1913. 10 Apr. 2007.)

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The apartment was almost completely bare. A few boxes here and there were the only hints that somebody was, or had at some point, occupied the quarters.

The 'Great John Constantine' sighed and chuckled as a loud 'thump' echoed through the room, interrupting his concentrated attempt to drift away. Chas had tripped over something...again.

"Is everything all right?" He called out, putting his cigarette out and flinging it out the window.

"Yup," A boyish voice answered him "I'm okay John. I just didn't notice the box you had placed there, you know you should have told me abou..."

"I meant the stuff."

"Huh?"

"Is the stuff alright?"

"Gee, thanks for showing a little concern John. Thanks a lot." Chas couldn't understand why John had called him over to help him move. The guy barely had any stuff! The closet had a few clothes hanging sadly, most of them had never been touched. Only the suits seemed to have had made contact with a body at least once. Everything else, well it was just stuff. Ordinary and needed for a basic life. But he did admit it was a nice change from being his chauffeur, and besides, he was being paid. He didn't need to question anything.

"Everything done Chas?" John yelled, lifting one of the boxes with little effort and opening the door.

"I'll just check so that nothing is left behind."

"Suit yourself. Just be quick, don't want you too tired. You still have to drive"

"Yeah." There was nothing left in the bathroom. He was sure of it, John had made sure to take everything from the kitchen...the only thing left was the bedroom...John's bedroom. He walked inside, careful not to disrupt the atmosphere that the demon slayer had built in the room. It felt so personal to be in the room. But John would be mad if he missed something. A 'normal' human would move in soon, he couldn't afford to leave any demon-slaying weapons in there!

Nothing, there was absolutely nothing. The closet was empty. Only clean marks where objects had once laid remained, and surely they would be covered by dust in the next few days.

CREAK

Chas froze and stepped once more on the spot that had made the awful sound. It seemed to have been disturbed in some way, as if somebody had taken it off and put it on again. He bent over and slowly took the dislocated piece of wood floor between his fingers. Pulling with some strength he managed to pry it off.

Inside seemed to be something wrapped in an envelope. He reached inside, careful to avoid any insects that could have made their home there, and pulled the envelope to the surface. Chas couldn't help the curiosity eating him inside. By touching the envelope he had come to the conclusion that it held some sort of paper. Had John written whatever was inside? Did such paper hold some sort of dark secret that John had refused to share with the world? Or did the cold hearted man keep his love letters from his younger days?

"John!?" Chas yelled out. No answer. John was probably down by the cab, placing his belongings in it. It was safe to open the envelope. He knew perfectly better than to abuse the personal space of John Constantine, but if he never told it couldn't hurt anyone. Right?

Carefully he undid it, and extracted a soft, old sheet of notebook paper from it. The handwriting was sloppy, and at points hard to read.

_Mom, I'm so sorry for all the pain you will have to go through after you put this letter back down. Ignore the blood and close your eyes, I promise you I'm happier this way. See, you should have believed me when I told you about the spirits that always surrounded you. Those doctors in the hospital didn't know anything. I'm not crazy mom. I promise, I swear I'm not. I never wanted to see them, I didn't want to hear them cry out to me. I wished I cold have ignored them like you did to me, I wish I really had been crazy, at least then I could have known all those dead people were only in my head. We won't meet again mom, you'll be in heaven and I in hell. But I'll be free...forever free. And so will you._

_John_

...A suicide note...

It was a suicide note. Or at least it had been. Was this why John had to buy his way back to heaven? John had been nice enough to explain the demon hunting reason...Was this really why? No immortal being would be harsh enough to make John _buy_ his way into heaven. It was...too horrible...

They couldn't deny eternal rest to a misunderstood youth...Warm tears seeped out of his eyes. How many times had he thought of the same exit? They had both just wanted out...

"Chas come on! I would like to sleep in my new apartment!"

He slipped the letter inside of his coat quickly and placed the board back in place.

"What? What's wrong?" John had now stepped into the room and come face to face with the crying youth.

"Nothing. I just caught my finger in the closet door." Chas lied and smiled, trying to pull of the lie by massaging his 'injured' finger.

"Clumsy kid. Come on. Let's go," John turned and headed out "And try not to fall down the stairs. The paperwork for your death will be a pain."

"I'll try..." Chas murmured and smiled. He would give John the papers back. He would slip them back in one of the boxes when they would unpack. Life would go on as if nothing had happened. And he would try to make everyday of John's life a little more happy.


End file.
